Announcement: New Campus Safety Precautions

Transcript of an emergency announcement made during orientation at the Magist Imperial University, 766 AE.

Seriously, she’s NOT a student, and she doesn’t need your help.

Please pardon the interruption. This is Associate Dean Elina Calpera of the College of Uncanny Research and Containment. I would like to personally assure you that the rumors you may have heard regarding an uncanny that lives in or around the campus lake are entirely unfounded. Such a creature does not exist, and has certainly not lured any unfortunate students to their deaths.

However, out of an abundance of caution, students will no longer be allowed near the lake until otherwise notified. A helpful barrier has been set up around its perimeters to delineate the forbidden area. Any student caught on the wrong side of the barrier will be subject to punishments up to and including expulsion. In addition, both students and faculty are strongly discouraged from walking across campus after dark. If you must, please ensure you travel in groups of three or more — this is very important — and that you are at least peripherally in someone’s line of sight at all times. Do not follow or look towards any peculiar sounds that you may hear. These include but are not limited to a baby’s cry, a heartbreaking lament in an unknown language, or the voice of a long-lost relative.

If you come across a woman with long black hair walking alone, do not make eye contact with her. She is not a student and does not need your help, no matter what she may tell you. Be ready to detain any of your companions if they leave your field of vision, as they have likely disobeyed the above. Walk away from her as quickly as you can while still looking at each other, then seek out your closest university security officer for further assistance. They have been specially instructed on proper containment procedures. Do NOT attempt to contain her yourself.

And I see that look. Yes you, I’m talking to you. This is not a joke. You will fail if you try to contain her yourself, and no, that is not a challenge.

Thank you for your cooperation in making the university a safer and better place.